Less than a week away from my initial appointment. I started my food journal on Monday and I feel resentful towards it. Something about writing everything down. It can make a person feel ashamed of what they have eaten at the end of the day. Maybe that's the point. Have it right there in front of your face.
So with this impending appointment looming over my head I have become increasingly anxious today. What do I do? I stop at Trader Joe's on the way home and get some of their 5 layer fiesta dip and pita chips. Not what I need right now. Why is this form of behavior so hard to break? Why can't I stop with just one serving? I looked at the back of the container and I actually laughed out loud at what they said a serving was. It's amazing how conditioned one becomes to eating and associating it with emotions. I'm not expecting to change my behavior overnight but I am hoping that with my appointment on Monday they give me some good tools. Of course deep in the back of my head I already know what those tools are:
1. Don't stop at the store when you are emotional (duh)
2. Don't buy things that are bad for you (duh)
3. Stop eating when your full. Now that's a novel concept (duh)
I know, I'm being too hard on myself. The reality is finally setting in for me and I'm scared. Scared of giving up what I like or at least having to eat it in smaller quantities. Scared of changing. Scared of seeing myself when this is all over and the weight is gone. Writing is my therapy so I expect to be writing quite a bit on here
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I struggle with the same things, Michelle. In my head I want to make good choices, but when it comes down to it I default to what comforts me. And then I feel bad and angry at myself. I think it truly is a matter of self love. Until I accept myself fully NOW, it won't matter how much I weigh or what I eat. I have to love myself enough to care for myself as I would for an actual other person. Doesn't seem like it would be that hard, does it? That fear of change you mention is the biggie. Keep confronting that! You are on a good path, the start of a journey down a different road. May the fear turn to exhilaration as you travel.
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