Just checking in

The week has been going well. I have been walking almost every evening, depending on the weather, and it feels great. The increase in my energy level is amazing. I work better and sleep so much better compared to a couple of weeks ago.

I have been sticking to plan and eating healthy and I can feel the weight coming off. I am not hungry so that has been a blessing. This plan is really working. I have tons of support and I'm excited to keep trucking along. It won't always be easy but I can feel the results already so I know it will be worth it.

Amazing what difference a week makes

I was pretty busy this weekend so I didn't do any blogging. My sister was in from California and we put the finishing touches on our Ireland trip.

I can't believe what a difference a week has made in terms of how I feel. The increased energy is amazing and the fact that I'm sleeping at night is great too. I was very good about writing down what I ate last week and over the weekend. I realized Friday evening that I had left my journal at work so I wrote down the things I ate this weekend in my old journal. I transferred it on Monday when I got in to work. I took the time and looked at my journal that I kept prior to my appointment last week. I was shocked to see what I ate on a daily basis. This is only after a week on this new plan. I am not calling it a diet because it's not. It's a new eating plan and it will be with me for the rest of my life.

I was proud of myself for making the changes that I did this past week and for sticking to the plan over the weekend. Considering it was the first weekend since I've started I was impressed with myself. I went to the farmers market on Saturday morning with a good friend and picked up tons of fresh veggies. I think I only spent $12 for everything. This is going to be a constant thing for me from now on. On Sunday my mom had myself and some family over for pizza with my sister. I brought my own salad fixings and prepared my salad. Nobody thought any different of me for doing it. I had one small square piece of cheese pizza and that was it. Felt good to be in control of my eating.

Not sure if I am suppose to do this or not until my next appointment on the 17th but I weighed myself and I have lost 7 pounds so far. I know the majority of it is water but hey, I'm not knocking it.

The thing that amazes me so far is that I'm not craving what I would normally crave if I was on another program. This one is working so well for me. I have some great friends that are so supportive of me and are going on nightly walks and fixing me dinner when I'm over. In fact they are both doing some of the plan with me. How great is that!

I started today with more energy than ever before and I'm loving it. I'm making better food choices and it's feeling great!

Why do we tend to be the hardest on ourselves?

I have to remember that I can not change my eating habits overnight. This is a 40 year relationship with food that I need to look at differently. I stayed on plan for the most part during the day. It was when I got home that I faltered a little. I had some puffed corn snacks but put the bag away and didn't over eat. Now that in itself is a triumph. Normally I would have kept eating until I was stuffed. Why couldn't I have been happy with that? I'm too hard on myself and need to remember to back off at times.

I went to bed early because I was tired and because I was disgusted with myself. You would have thought I had pigged out on a box of chocolates. But this is what my mind does. It's all or nothing with me and this is gong to be the hardest thing to change but I know I can do it.

I woke up this morning still disgusted with myself but made healthy food choices for the day.

I can do it!

One step at a time

I walked 4,331 steps today. I put on my pedometer as I got out of my car at work and didn't take it off until I walked through the back door at home.

I stayed on target for the most part regarding food today. Today was a little easier than yesterday. Yesterday, I got a headache in the afternoon and got really hungry, then I got mad. Must sound weird to some people but when I know I shouldn't have something to eat I get upset. More so with myself for thinking about the food. Hope that makes sense.

I stopped at Trader Joe's after work and picked up some fruits and veggies. I also picked up this puffed corn thing. I didn't over eat which I'm proud of, but I did have some and it was very good. It's a nice substitute to chips right now. I topped off my meal with a cliff bar and a small glass of chocolate milk. I probably shouldn't have eaten the cliff bar but I was craving something sweet. I did my calculations with the book and it wasn't too bad. I also cleaned out my fridge and feezer which felt really nice. Now it's all organized and not overwhelming when I open it.

Going to get up early tomorrow and go for a walk before work since I didn't do any walking after work today.

A new day

Today is the first official day I started my program and I have to say I have done very well. I journaled the food I ate and the water I drank. I walked around the park at work (1/2 mile) with a co-worker and enjoyed the great day in Minnesota. I was bummed to realize that after wearing my pedometer all day long that the battery died. But, with a quick trip to Target after work I solved the problem. I bought some new socks, undies and a sports bra. My goal tomorrow is to wake up 30 minutes early and go for a walk with my dogs. I have no excuse.

I emailed the nurse I met with yesterday and sent her the Open letter to food I wrote a couple of weeks ago. She was very impressed and wanted to know if she could share it with the Doctor and some of her other patients. I was flattered and of course said yes. If my writing and sharing what I am going through can even help one other person than it's worth it.

I am going over to my mom's tonight for dinner and she is fixing my chicken differently than hers so I can enjoy it. I don't feel stressed about it all. My sister and I are going to put the finishing touches on our Ireland trip so the evening should be lots of fun.

It was a great new day and I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Sometimes a mistake can be a good thing

Who would have ever thought that a mistake could be a good thing. I was always told growing up that you learn by your mistakes and oh how true that is. I arrived at my appointment this morning to find out that I was scheduled for the wrong appointment. Instead of meeting with a doctor that performed weight loss surgery I was scheduled with a doctor that helped patients loose weight by changing their eating habits. Ding, ding, ding!!! Do you ever have those moments in life when you just know something feels right? Like there is a divine spirit guiding you and this was your path all along? That is how I felt this morning.

My sister, bless her heart, met me there and went in to the appointment with me. One for support and two to catch things that I might have missed. So glad she was there. I met first with the doctors nurse. What a wonderful woman. I can honestly say that I have never felt more comfortable sitting in a doctors office as I did today. I never felt ashamed of my weight or my eating habits. I was made to feel like I can do this, loose weight, and be successful at it. After briefly speaking with her the doctor came in. What a nice man he was. I instantly felt at ease. He told me right away that he did not perform weight loss surgery and wanted to know if I was okay with that. I told him that I was open minded to whatever the doctor had to suggest and that I am the type of person that likes to be informed. He continued and over the course of the next hour asked me my past relationship with food and my eating habits. I got emotional when he started to talk about food as a comfort. That rang so true and of course hit close to home. I showed both him and his nurse my food journal and they were impressed that I had started to keep one. The fact that I came to the appointment prepared and informed already they were very pleased with. In fact they both said that I am the type of patient they like to have. My doctor also told me this which I really liked. He said that he would not be doing what he was doing if it didn't work. That he had several patients that have lost 100, 150. 200+ pounds with his help and all without surgery. That was encouraging.

Now, I won't sit here and lie and say this is going to be a walk in the park, far from it. It will be a HUGE undertaking but I am prepared to tackle the challenge head on. Over the course of the next two weeks they gave me some guidelines on what I should eat. The goal of this program is to have a tailored program specifically for me and me alone. The goal is for me to work my way up to exercising 7 days a week, 1 hour every day. But, for right now it's baby steps. Little tiny baby steps.

I have a wonderful support system of family, friends and co-workers and on-line friends as well. I couldn't ask for anything more. I stopped at Barnes & Noble on the way home and purchased one of the books my doctor suggested: Volumetrics Weight-Control Plan. That is my homework for now.

In closing I will say that sometimes a mistake can be a good thing!

Questions all in order

Tomorrow is my first appointment at the U of M Weight Management Center. It's at 10:30 and my sister will be going with me. For support and as another set of ears in case I miss anything. I wrote out the questions I could think of and I also wrote down all my attempts at loosing weight, be it with weigh watchers or on my own. I've never written that down before and it was something to see all my failed attempts.

Part of me is trying really hard to not feel like a failure by going to get this surgery done. I mean I did this to myself and I should be able to take it off by myself, but I can't. I just can't seem to get very far before I fall again and usually into a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I suck at will power when it comes to food. Bottom line.

When I got home this afternoon I had a message on my phone from a nurse at the U of M wanting to know if I had any questions about my appointment tomorrow. Even though I wasn't home to take the call it made me feel good that she called. It made me feel like this was something important to them and to me.

I have joined a couple of online support groups and after reading some of the posts I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what to expect throughout the process, especially after surgery. I like being informed, always have and always will be. It's part of who I am. I'm the first one to tell someone if I like something and the first one to tell someone I didn't. So, I'm going in to my appointment tomorrow armed with a list of questions and when I come out I will be informed.

Just random

I woke up hungry this morning. Not so good for me. The first thought as I woke was what am I going to eat. It can be a constant thing sometimes and other days food doesn't even enter my mind. I have a tendency to panic when I don't think I have enough food in the house to last me a week or two. I don't think I have ever told anyone that, even my mom. It's embarrassing to admit that.

I spent the day at my mom's house with a friend that was installing some french doors for her. I also cleaned her house. My weight generally doesn't get in the way of cleaning but today I felt fat as I was cleaning. I know, weird, but I did. I mopped the floors and that is the worse thing on my back. My weight really bothers that. I won't be sad when the pain goes away.

I also got a very sweet email from a dear friend. To quote: "I just read your blog, it's amazing. Its like I'm seeing your food addiction through your eyes and how it must really feel. Thanks for allowing me in and know that I am here for you in whatever way I can be." That really hit home for me and touched me on a very personal level. If I can touch just one person through my blogging then it's worth it. Even if it's just shedding light on food addiction.

It was a gorgeous day here in Minnesota. The type of day where it renews ones soul. The sky was clear, the clouds looked like puffs of cotton and the temperature was just right.

A little view into the world of someone overweight

My intention when starting this blog was to be honest and upfront with what it is like to be overweight and going through surgery and I intend to keep that promise to myself.

I know for some people its hard to understand why a person can't stop eating or just say no to another helping of food. I have tried to explain this to people that don't or have never had issues with food before and some get it and some don't. The most common remark I get is, "Why don't you just stop"? It doesn't work that way, at least for someone with an eating issue. For me its emotional and situational. If I'm feeling anxious or down I will eat to comfort myself. If I am out in a social setting and it's new and I don't know a lot of people I will eat to calm myself down or I will do the opposite and won't eat anything. In my mind I'm thinking that the people I'm with will not be surprised that the fat girl is eating that.

Clothes shopping is not fun, period. You have to go to the "special" stores in order to find something your size or shop online. God forbid you walk into a normal store to look around because you will be stared at by the employees. Yes, discrimination is still out there and in full force for those of us with a weight issue.

I make sure that when I go out to eat that I sit at a table and not a booth unless I know I can fit in easily. Nothing is more embarrassing than sliding into a booth and not fitting. First of all not comfortable and second, not pretty.

Not going to certain venues because the seats are too small or uncomfortable. Movie theaters especially. It's far to painful. Seriously, do you want your hips to be numb when you are done watching a movie? Not so much.

It's amazing how complacent I have become when it comes to things like this. How it has become second nature to immediately say no to something or someone because you know you either won't fit or it will be uncomfortable physically. I am looking forward to the future when these thoughts won't even enter my mind. I will welcome it with open arms and a smile on my face.

I don't want to appear that I'm complaining because I'm fully aware that I gained the weight all by myself with no help from anyone.

Force of habit

It's amazing how accustomed one becomes with their daily routine. For the past 3 years I have parked on the same floor of the parking garage where I worked. I had myself convinced that I could not access the first floor of the parking garage. For those of you who don't know me all too well let me shed a little light. I have absolutely no sense of direction, zero, zip, Nada, none whatsoever. It's a constant source of kidding from my friends and co-workers. One of which refused to ride home with me one night unless I parked on the first floor of the parking garage. After much fretting I went over to him and had him walk me over to the window on our floor to show me in person how I could access the first floor. What do you know, I could access it from how I enter the street.

This takes me to last night as I was leaving work. Not thinking of where I was going and out of habit I pressed the button to the elevator in the parking ramp. The doors opened and as the dinger went off a light went off in my head. Hey, you didn't park on the 3rd floor silly. Of course I said this out loud and got a few looks from people walking by. I let the doors close and I walked down the steps to the first floor.

This got me to thinking, again. How easy it is for habits to form and how hard they are to break. I instantly saw the similarities between parking on the 3rd floor and changing my eating habits. I have to leave a note on my computer reminding myself that I have parked on the first floor. Going forward I will be leaving a note on my computer that reminds me I can do this. Change is good!

What a difference a year can make

After I wrote my last note about having anxiety and issues with food tonight I went and hung out with a couple of friends. I helped one plant some lilies and other plants along the side of his house. I didn't come prepared with proper foot attire and at first I was worried. Then I thought, ditch the flip flops and go barefoot, so I did. I have never gardened barefoot before tonight and I have to say it was the most therapeutic thing I could have done for myself this evening. The feel of the dirt between my toes and on my feet was so comforting and relaxing. It put my mind at ease.

I got to thinking on my drive home from my friends house how much has changed for me in the last year. This time last year my best friend was staying with me for what turned out to be more than a couple of months. It had always been a very turbulent friendship and the rooming together this last time sent it over the edge. The friendship ended on a bad note and after 10 years we are no longer friends. It was a hard break to make but one that needed to be done for so many reasons and on so many levels. My closest friends will say that they had been wanting me to end this friendship several years ago and that it was very unhealthy for me. It took me seeing this person for who she truly was in order for me to end it. It still hurt.

Then come around November/December work exploded and not in a good way. I had more work than I had hours in the day and no one to help me. I was working 60 hours a week and coming home to work on sewing orders at night. I basically worked myself in to the ground those two months. January came and by the end of the month I thought I was going to loose it and I did. In the form of uncontrollable crying at my desk at work. Left work and promptly called my doctor. One of the best phone calls I could have ever made. After much discussing I was put on an anti anxiety medication. BEST thing ever and I wish I would have discovered this years ago. Things started to look up. I could work without breaking down in crying fits and I got the much needed help at work.

During this time the group I support at work brought in quite a large number of temporary employees to help out with the increase in work. I have met some of the nicest, sweetest and truly remarkable people. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have no problems at work but get me outside of work and I have a tendency to turn inwards and close up. But with the help of this medication it has allowed me to open up more and it's been so much fun.

Two of these people have become like brothers to me. The brothers I never had and only wished for. They are the nicest, sweetest guys I have ever known and have shown me friendship like I have never known. The support they have given me in my journey with the weight loss surgery is remarkable. They are both there whenever I need to talk or vent. Great guys to hang out with and awesome friends.

So, as I looked back at the last year it hit me. You never know where life will lead you. You never know what people are going to enter your lives and how they will change it, this time for the good. You never know what decisions you are going to make and how they will effect the rest of your life. I am thankful for the last year I went through. I learned so much and I look forward to the next year. It will be tough, there will be tears, but there will be joy and during it I know I have surrounded myself with good friends and family. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Tick, Tock

Less than a week away from my initial appointment. I started my food journal on Monday and I feel resentful towards it. Something about writing everything down. It can make a person feel ashamed of what they have eaten at the end of the day. Maybe that's the point. Have it right there in front of your face.

So with this impending appointment looming over my head I have become increasingly anxious today. What do I do? I stop at Trader Joe's on the way home and get some of their 5 layer fiesta dip and pita chips. Not what I need right now. Why is this form of behavior so hard to break? Why can't I stop with just one serving? I looked at the back of the container and I actually laughed out loud at what they said a serving was. It's amazing how conditioned one becomes to eating and associating it with emotions. I'm not expecting to change my behavior overnight but I am hoping that with my appointment on Monday they give me some good tools. Of course deep in the back of my head I already know what those tools are:

1. Don't stop at the store when you are emotional (duh)
2. Don't buy things that are bad for you (duh)
3. Stop eating when your full. Now that's a novel concept (duh)

I know, I'm being too hard on myself. The reality is finally setting in for me and I'm scared. Scared of giving up what I like or at least having to eat it in smaller quantities. Scared of changing. Scared of seeing myself when this is all over and the weight is gone. Writing is my therapy so I expect to be writing quite a bit on here

Open Letter to Food

I am less than two weeks out to my first appointment at the U of M weight manangement center. I have to be honest and say that I am getting a little nervous. I have yet to start my food journal. I'm afraid to see what I really eat every day. I know this is something that I will have to face in the upcoming months. I figured as a way of open therapy I would write a letter to "food". To some this may seem strange but for someone who has struggled with food her entire life this decision to have surgery is a very emotional one for me. I am going to have to learn to look at food differently and through new eyes. I have also used food as a way of shielding me from life and keeping me from experiencing things becuase I didn't want to feel the pain. I equate my decision to have the surgery to a snake shedding it's skin. There will be a new me after this is done. I hope I like what I see and I hope my friends and family do too.

Dear Food,
You have been my constant friend when others were not. You have been there when I have been sad, happy, angry or lonely. You have taken the place of lovers lost and friends who walked away. I grew up with you in my life every day. You never yelled at me, grounded me or sent me to my room. You were my comfort when my dad yelled at me and my salvation when I couldn't talk back. I learned a lot from you food. I used you as a shield so I wouldn't have to face lifes disappointments. As my need for you grew so did I. I didn't see it at first but as the years went by I have become more aware of your presence. I am now an adult and for the first time in my 40 years I can honestly say that I do not want you to be my constant any longer. I am finally aware that there is more to life than you food. I won't be giving you up totally but you and I need to come to an understanding. I will not be seeking you out to provide me comfort in my time of sadness or loneliness. You will be there to provide me with noursihment when I need it and energy to get me through the day. I am not perfect and I know there will be struggles along the way. All I ask is that you be patient and understand where I am coming from. This is a 40 year relationship that I have to change and it can't be done overnight. I will always love you but it's time to change.