My intention when starting this blog was to be honest and upfront with what it is like to be overweight and going through surgery and I intend to keep that promise to myself.
I know for some people its hard to understand why a person can't stop eating or just say no to another helping of food. I have tried to explain this to people that don't or have never had issues with food before and some get it and some don't. The most common remark I get is, "Why don't you just stop"? It doesn't work that way, at least for someone with an eating issue. For me its emotional and situational. If I'm feeling anxious or down I will eat to comfort myself. If I am out in a social setting and it's new and I don't know a lot of people I will eat to calm myself down or I will do the opposite and won't eat anything. In my mind I'm thinking that the people I'm with will not be surprised that the fat girl is eating that.
Clothes shopping is not fun, period. You have to go to the "special" stores in order to find something your size or shop online. God forbid you walk into a normal store to look around because you will be stared at by the employees. Yes, discrimination is still out there and in full force for those of us with a weight issue.
I make sure that when I go out to eat that I sit at a table and not a booth unless I know I can fit in easily. Nothing is more embarrassing than sliding into a booth and not fitting. First of all not comfortable and second, not pretty.
Not going to certain venues because the seats are too small or uncomfortable. Movie theaters especially. It's far to painful. Seriously, do you want your hips to be numb when you are done watching a movie? Not so much.
It's amazing how complacent I have become when it comes to things like this. How it has become second nature to immediately say no to something or someone because you know you either won't fit or it will be uncomfortable physically. I am looking forward to the future when these thoughts won't even enter my mind. I will welcome it with open arms and a smile on my face.
I don't want to appear that I'm complaining because I'm fully aware that I gained the weight all by myself with no help from anyone.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Force of habit
It's amazing how accustomed one becomes with their daily routine. For the past 3 years I have parked on the same floor of the parking garage where I worked. I had myself convinced that I could not access the first floor of the parking garage. For those of you who don't know me all too well let me shed a little light. I have absolutely no sense of direction, zero, zip, Nada, none whatsoever. It's a constant source of kidding from my friends and co-workers. One of which refused to ride home with me one night unless I parked on the first floor of the parking garage. After much fretting I went over to him and had him walk me over to the window on our floor to show me in person how I could access the first floor. What do you know, I could access it from how I enter the street.
This takes me to last night as I was leaving work. Not thinking of where I was going and out of habit I pressed the button to the elevator in the parking ramp. The doors opened and as the dinger went off a light went off in my head. Hey, you didn't park on the 3rd floor silly. Of course I said this out loud and got a few looks from people walking by. I let the doors close and I walked down the steps to the first floor.
This got me to thinking, again. How easy it is for habits to form and how hard they are to break. I instantly saw the similarities between parking on the 3rd floor and changing my eating habits. I have to leave a note on my computer reminding myself that I have parked on the first floor. Going forward I will be leaving a note on my computer that reminds me I can do this. Change is good!
This takes me to last night as I was leaving work. Not thinking of where I was going and out of habit I pressed the button to the elevator in the parking ramp. The doors opened and as the dinger went off a light went off in my head. Hey, you didn't park on the 3rd floor silly. Of course I said this out loud and got a few looks from people walking by. I let the doors close and I walked down the steps to the first floor.
This got me to thinking, again. How easy it is for habits to form and how hard they are to break. I instantly saw the similarities between parking on the 3rd floor and changing my eating habits. I have to leave a note on my computer reminding myself that I have parked on the first floor. Going forward I will be leaving a note on my computer that reminds me I can do this. Change is good!
What a difference a year can make
After I wrote my last note about having anxiety and issues with food tonight I went and hung out with a couple of friends. I helped one plant some lilies and other plants along the side of his house. I didn't come prepared with proper foot attire and at first I was worried. Then I thought, ditch the flip flops and go barefoot, so I did. I have never gardened barefoot before tonight and I have to say it was the most therapeutic thing I could have done for myself this evening. The feel of the dirt between my toes and on my feet was so comforting and relaxing. It put my mind at ease.
I got to thinking on my drive home from my friends house how much has changed for me in the last year. This time last year my best friend was staying with me for what turned out to be more than a couple of months. It had always been a very turbulent friendship and the rooming together this last time sent it over the edge. The friendship ended on a bad note and after 10 years we are no longer friends. It was a hard break to make but one that needed to be done for so many reasons and on so many levels. My closest friends will say that they had been wanting me to end this friendship several years ago and that it was very unhealthy for me. It took me seeing this person for who she truly was in order for me to end it. It still hurt.
Then come around November/December work exploded and not in a good way. I had more work than I had hours in the day and no one to help me. I was working 60 hours a week and coming home to work on sewing orders at night. I basically worked myself in to the ground those two months. January came and by the end of the month I thought I was going to loose it and I did. In the form of uncontrollable crying at my desk at work. Left work and promptly called my doctor. One of the best phone calls I could have ever made. After much discussing I was put on an anti anxiety medication. BEST thing ever and I wish I would have discovered this years ago. Things started to look up. I could work without breaking down in crying fits and I got the much needed help at work.
During this time the group I support at work brought in quite a large number of temporary employees to help out with the increase in work. I have met some of the nicest, sweetest and truly remarkable people. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have no problems at work but get me outside of work and I have a tendency to turn inwards and close up. But with the help of this medication it has allowed me to open up more and it's been so much fun.
Two of these people have become like brothers to me. The brothers I never had and only wished for. They are the nicest, sweetest guys I have ever known and have shown me friendship like I have never known. The support they have given me in my journey with the weight loss surgery is remarkable. They are both there whenever I need to talk or vent. Great guys to hang out with and awesome friends.
So, as I looked back at the last year it hit me. You never know where life will lead you. You never know what people are going to enter your lives and how they will change it, this time for the good. You never know what decisions you are going to make and how they will effect the rest of your life. I am thankful for the last year I went through. I learned so much and I look forward to the next year. It will be tough, there will be tears, but there will be joy and during it I know I have surrounded myself with good friends and family. I couldn't ask for anything more.
I got to thinking on my drive home from my friends house how much has changed for me in the last year. This time last year my best friend was staying with me for what turned out to be more than a couple of months. It had always been a very turbulent friendship and the rooming together this last time sent it over the edge. The friendship ended on a bad note and after 10 years we are no longer friends. It was a hard break to make but one that needed to be done for so many reasons and on so many levels. My closest friends will say that they had been wanting me to end this friendship several years ago and that it was very unhealthy for me. It took me seeing this person for who she truly was in order for me to end it. It still hurt.
Then come around November/December work exploded and not in a good way. I had more work than I had hours in the day and no one to help me. I was working 60 hours a week and coming home to work on sewing orders at night. I basically worked myself in to the ground those two months. January came and by the end of the month I thought I was going to loose it and I did. In the form of uncontrollable crying at my desk at work. Left work and promptly called my doctor. One of the best phone calls I could have ever made. After much discussing I was put on an anti anxiety medication. BEST thing ever and I wish I would have discovered this years ago. Things started to look up. I could work without breaking down in crying fits and I got the much needed help at work.
During this time the group I support at work brought in quite a large number of temporary employees to help out with the increase in work. I have met some of the nicest, sweetest and truly remarkable people. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I have no problems at work but get me outside of work and I have a tendency to turn inwards and close up. But with the help of this medication it has allowed me to open up more and it's been so much fun.
Two of these people have become like brothers to me. The brothers I never had and only wished for. They are the nicest, sweetest guys I have ever known and have shown me friendship like I have never known. The support they have given me in my journey with the weight loss surgery is remarkable. They are both there whenever I need to talk or vent. Great guys to hang out with and awesome friends.
So, as I looked back at the last year it hit me. You never know where life will lead you. You never know what people are going to enter your lives and how they will change it, this time for the good. You never know what decisions you are going to make and how they will effect the rest of your life. I am thankful for the last year I went through. I learned so much and I look forward to the next year. It will be tough, there will be tears, but there will be joy and during it I know I have surrounded myself with good friends and family. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Tick, Tock
Less than a week away from my initial appointment. I started my food journal on Monday and I feel resentful towards it. Something about writing everything down. It can make a person feel ashamed of what they have eaten at the end of the day. Maybe that's the point. Have it right there in front of your face.
So with this impending appointment looming over my head I have become increasingly anxious today. What do I do? I stop at Trader Joe's on the way home and get some of their 5 layer fiesta dip and pita chips. Not what I need right now. Why is this form of behavior so hard to break? Why can't I stop with just one serving? I looked at the back of the container and I actually laughed out loud at what they said a serving was. It's amazing how conditioned one becomes to eating and associating it with emotions. I'm not expecting to change my behavior overnight but I am hoping that with my appointment on Monday they give me some good tools. Of course deep in the back of my head I already know what those tools are:
1. Don't stop at the store when you are emotional (duh)
2. Don't buy things that are bad for you (duh)
3. Stop eating when your full. Now that's a novel concept (duh)
I know, I'm being too hard on myself. The reality is finally setting in for me and I'm scared. Scared of giving up what I like or at least having to eat it in smaller quantities. Scared of changing. Scared of seeing myself when this is all over and the weight is gone. Writing is my therapy so I expect to be writing quite a bit on here
So with this impending appointment looming over my head I have become increasingly anxious today. What do I do? I stop at Trader Joe's on the way home and get some of their 5 layer fiesta dip and pita chips. Not what I need right now. Why is this form of behavior so hard to break? Why can't I stop with just one serving? I looked at the back of the container and I actually laughed out loud at what they said a serving was. It's amazing how conditioned one becomes to eating and associating it with emotions. I'm not expecting to change my behavior overnight but I am hoping that with my appointment on Monday they give me some good tools. Of course deep in the back of my head I already know what those tools are:
1. Don't stop at the store when you are emotional (duh)
2. Don't buy things that are bad for you (duh)
3. Stop eating when your full. Now that's a novel concept (duh)
I know, I'm being too hard on myself. The reality is finally setting in for me and I'm scared. Scared of giving up what I like or at least having to eat it in smaller quantities. Scared of changing. Scared of seeing myself when this is all over and the weight is gone. Writing is my therapy so I expect to be writing quite a bit on here
Open Letter to Food
I am less than two weeks out to my first appointment at the U of M weight manangement center. I have to be honest and say that I am getting a little nervous. I have yet to start my food journal. I'm afraid to see what I really eat every day. I know this is something that I will have to face in the upcoming months. I figured as a way of open therapy I would write a letter to "food". To some this may seem strange but for someone who has struggled with food her entire life this decision to have surgery is a very emotional one for me. I am going to have to learn to look at food differently and through new eyes. I have also used food as a way of shielding me from life and keeping me from experiencing things becuase I didn't want to feel the pain. I equate my decision to have the surgery to a snake shedding it's skin. There will be a new me after this is done. I hope I like what I see and I hope my friends and family do too.
Dear Food,
You have been my constant friend when others were not. You have been there when I have been sad, happy, angry or lonely. You have taken the place of lovers lost and friends who walked away. I grew up with you in my life every day. You never yelled at me, grounded me or sent me to my room. You were my comfort when my dad yelled at me and my salvation when I couldn't talk back. I learned a lot from you food. I used you as a shield so I wouldn't have to face lifes disappointments. As my need for you grew so did I. I didn't see it at first but as the years went by I have become more aware of your presence. I am now an adult and for the first time in my 40 years I can honestly say that I do not want you to be my constant any longer. I am finally aware that there is more to life than you food. I won't be giving you up totally but you and I need to come to an understanding. I will not be seeking you out to provide me comfort in my time of sadness or loneliness. You will be there to provide me with noursihment when I need it and energy to get me through the day. I am not perfect and I know there will be struggles along the way. All I ask is that you be patient and understand where I am coming from. This is a 40 year relationship that I have to change and it can't be done overnight. I will always love you but it's time to change.
Dear Food,
You have been my constant friend when others were not. You have been there when I have been sad, happy, angry or lonely. You have taken the place of lovers lost and friends who walked away. I grew up with you in my life every day. You never yelled at me, grounded me or sent me to my room. You were my comfort when my dad yelled at me and my salvation when I couldn't talk back. I learned a lot from you food. I used you as a shield so I wouldn't have to face lifes disappointments. As my need for you grew so did I. I didn't see it at first but as the years went by I have become more aware of your presence. I am now an adult and for the first time in my 40 years I can honestly say that I do not want you to be my constant any longer. I am finally aware that there is more to life than you food. I won't be giving you up totally but you and I need to come to an understanding. I will not be seeking you out to provide me comfort in my time of sadness or loneliness. You will be there to provide me with noursihment when I need it and energy to get me through the day. I am not perfect and I know there will be struggles along the way. All I ask is that you be patient and understand where I am coming from. This is a 40 year relationship that I have to change and it can't be done overnight. I will always love you but it's time to change.
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